Your Worst Nightmares... Transformed!

Arvind Kejriwal Jokes

I found these jokes long time back and these are a few of them which can make me laugh almost instantly. But at then, Arvind Kejriwal was the Delhi Chief Minister and I just didn’t want to risk it. But now, I don’t wanna lose them so I am sharing them here with everyone.

• Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he actually tests the level of salt in Colgate Active Salt tooth paste
• Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he never skips Youtube ads
• Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he always removes USB safely
• Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that when he finds the bomb he returns it to the terrorist
• Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he got his wife’s brother arrested for stealing his shoes during his marriage ceremony
• Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he cooks maggie only for 2 minutes
• Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he actually “rolls on the floor laughing” when he texts ROFL
• Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he finds an “honest” justification to turn back on every promise he ever made
• Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that when his wife once asked him if he could get moon for her, he called up ISRO to launch Chandrayaan-1
• Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he hates the song ‘love the way you lie’
• Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that once he filed a case against a Halwai because there were neither Gulabs nor Jaamuns in GulabJamun.
• Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that whenever he downloads a movie online, he buys a ticket to see it
• Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that no woman has ever asked him “Do I look fat in this?”
• Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he seeks his wife permission to keep extra marital affairs.
• Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he gives you a business card that says “nobody”
• Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he likes Shakira’s Hips because “They Don’t Lie”.
• Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he surrenders himself to Police after killing a mosquito.
• Arvind Kejriwal is so honest He refused to watch Bodyguard because he does not want security.
• Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he is the only one to buy a Winrar licence.
• Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that when he throws a party he calls the cops himself after 10 pm
• Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he told his kids “How I met your mother” in less than a minute
• Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he got his memory card arrested when it got corrupted
• Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that when he was a kid, he clicked on “I am below 18 years” on porn websites.
• Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that if u find meaning of Honesty on Google it will say “Did u mean Kejriwal”
• Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that if he skip red-light by mistake, he take a U-turn to stop before Red light
• #YoKejriwalSoHonest that he was found standing on weighting machine naked for accurate measurement
•  #YoKejriwalSoHonest that every aam aadmi in the country knows his twitter password, email account password & bank account passwords
• #YoKejriwalSoHonest that while reading Mahabharat, he cried at the part where Yudhishtir lies to Drona
• #YoKejriwalSoHonest that he hasn't installed any anti-virus on his system because he does not want any kind of "security"
• #YoKejriwalSoHonest that he demands a receipt even from Autowallas
• #YoKejriwalSoHonest that he got his wife's cousins arrested for stealing his shoes on his wedding
• #YoKejriwalSoHonest that he wore Topi on his wedding Reception "Main Aam Dulha Hu" written on it
• #YoKejriwalSoHonest that "Jhooth bole kauwa kaate" to be replaced with "Jhooth bole Kejriwal kaate"
• #YoKejriwalSoHonest that he doesn't take extra sauce sachets with mcdee burgers
• #YoKejriwalSoHonest that he says excuse me after sneezing even if nobody is there
• #YoKejriwalSoHonest that he ordered to arrest Napoleon as he found his dictionary had the word 'impossible'
• #YoKejriwalSoHonest that he is not consulting a doctor for his cough as he has not received his 1st salary as CM!!
• #YoKejriwalSoHonest that he admits when he farts
• #YoKejriwalSoHonest that he bites crows speaking lies
• #YoKejriwalSoHonest that he actually gets into the charachter when he talks about poverty
• #YoKejriwalSoHonest that he buys platforms tickets at a halt station

Alok Nath Memes #AlokNath #Sanskaari : Dutiya

I just had a friend read the previously posted memes on my blog and I felt a very urgent need to post a few more self-composed Alok Nath Memez.... ;)

Again,
Alok sir, we all love you and nothing is here to disrespect or dishonor you.

Alok Nath modified his Linux System Command Prompt to read : JaiMataDi>>

Alok Nath never accepts to do a movie unless he has more than 2 daughters for whom he can do Kanyadaan or 2 sons whose wives he betizones

Alok Nath is so sanskaari that he gifted a yellow saree (worn at Kanyadaan) on the 1st birthday of his neighbor's daughter

Alok Nath is banned from the ladies coach of any train for the reasons that he starts fixing up the girls to the guys in the other coaches.

Every night before sleeping Alok Nath writes a number on a piece of paper and sleeps with the paper under his pillow. The number represents the number of kanyadaans he wants to do the next day.

For Christmas, Alok Nath wants more daughters.

Alok Nath has no new year resolutions because Alok Nath is sad on New Years - there are no Kanyadaans that night

Alok Nath is designing a website for e-shaadi where there is a flash image of fire and a virtual Alok Nath distributing Aashirwaads and doing Kanyadaans.

Alok Nath knows that the reason why he is no longer highly talked on the internet because once again his sanskaars have aced over the world.

Alok Nath is so sanskaari that his wife had to raise his sehra on their wedding night.

It’s the way you want to see, that you see things!

I am sure that each one of us has heard this statement quite a few times but what matters is that how many people actually follow it. It is easier done than said - no, you didn’t read incorrect, I did write - 'easier done than said'.

You know life's isnt that cruel as we sometimes see it as but it is often that we see life as so cruel that it gets so!

I know, you might be thinking that it is very easy to write it on the internet… but well, I can prove it to you if you give me another few precious minutes of your time and scroll down to read what I am going to write.

I am sure you must have heard the song - 'Bheege Honth Tere' of movie Murder… popularly of Mallika Sherawat and Emraan Hashmi fame. It is one of the deep romantic and seductive songs of hindi cinema. But is that so?

Whenever I hear the song, I don’t  feel anything romantic or seductive about it, instead, I think it is a devotional song - devotion to God!

Check it out -

Bheege hont tere, pyaasa dil mera

>> Aashirwaado aur Divya vachno ko Bhagwaanji bolte hain… jinke liye hum sab (manushya) hamesha pyaase rehte hain

Lage abrr sa haan mujhe tan tera

>> Bhagwaanji ka roop divya hai, tilasmi hai… jadoobhara hai

Jamke barsa de mujhpar ghataayein

>> Bhagwaanji aap mujhpar apni blessings aur gifts ki baarishein barsa dijiye

Tuhi meri pyaas tu hi mera jaam

>> Tum (Bhagwaanji) hi ho jiski mai iccha karta hun aur aap hi ko paa kar meri ye iccha poori hogi

Kabhi mere saath koyi raat gujaar

>> Kabhi toh aisa ho ke raat bhar mai aapki bhakti mei bitaun

Tujhe subah tak main karu pyaar ha

>> Ek aisa mauka do, ke subah tak mai aapki bhakti mei leen rahun

Oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh

Saansein aanch teri, tan aag tera

>> Bhagwaanji ki ek saans mei hi kitna tej hai… unka roop agni-jwala hai

Chhine nind meri lute chain mera

>> Unhi (Bhagwaanji) ke smaran mei na neend aati hai aur na hi chain rehta hai

Kaala jaadu karein lambe baal tere

>> jo bhi accha hai wohh toh aapse hai parantu jo bhi bura bhi hai (like kaala jaadu) wohh bhi aap hi se utpan hua hai

Aankhein jhil teri nore laal tere

>> Aankhoin mein karuna ke saagar kaid kar rakhe hain

Kabhi mere saath koyi raat gujaar
Tujhe subah tak main karu pyaar oh
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh
 
Oh oh oh, oh ho oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh

Aankhein keh rahi, jo na ham kahe

>> Kabhi aisa ho jab mai tumse (Bhagwaanji se) na keh sakun par aapko shabdo ki zaroorat nahi samajhne ke liye. Aap toh aankhoin se hi mann ki baatein padh lete hain

Use sun le tu jo na lab kahe

>> Har baat jo mere mann mein hai, wohh aapse thodi na chupi hai

Tu na soye aaj, main na sou aaj

>> Ek mauka do ke aapki bhakti mein leen ho sakun… ke aap jis prakhar mere liye sarvatra ho, mai bhi aapko apne astitva ka ehsaas dila sakun

Tujhe dekhu aaj, tujh mein khou aaj

>> Tujhe (Bhagwanji ko) dekhti hi rahun aur teri bhakti hi karti rahun

Kabhi mere saath koyi raat gujaar

Tujhe subah tak main karu pyaar

Oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh
 
Bheege hont tere, pyaasa dil mera
Lage abrr sa haan mujhe tan tera

------------------------------

First of all, I don’t intend to hurt anyone… so please don’t get offended. I am just here to say that it is the way you look at things. Today, people find something adult in normal words and I just like to find a normal meaning even in adult talks. But with this I don’t intend to hurt any emotions.

Moreover, I have placed this things in the jokes section as often things that are more casual, contain the deepest of the meanings.

With this post, I just intend to share a little thing in my heart and hope that I could at least show that there are many facets for anything, we just need to look hard enough.

And if nothing else, I hope you finish reading this with a smile…………..

Alok Nath Memes.... #AlokNath #Sanskari

Hey Friends…

I am sure that you have checked out the new 'Alok Nath' memez on the internet… Well, Alok Nath is one of the permanent team members of the Rajshri group :P and he is seen in a lot of Rajshri movies like Hum Aapke Hain Kaun, Hum Saath Saath Hain and Vivah… and but to the Gen-X, he is more popularly known as Haveli Ram of Buniyaad.

My parents are keen watchers of Buniyaad, so everytime it would rerun on the television, I had to see it. Well, I just mentioned this to state that I have seen his other avatars apart from the being 'sanskaari' ones…

It was a pleasant surprise and even a little shock that the internet is today filled with Alok Nath memez or the 'sanskari' memez and to be honest, they are hilarious.

If I were to reveal a little secret, I never loved Rajnikant jokes… or CID jokes… they were very good and everything but at times they were hyped beyond the extent and that was when they got boring instead of funny.

On the other hand, I don’t know why but Alok Nath memez are just too good and fantastic. They are not boosting like rotating the earth or breaking doors… they relate to Alok Nath in terms of the characters that he plays and ones he is known for.

If ever you read this, Alok Nath sir,

No one intents to hurt you or humiliate you… we all love you and that is why you are so much talked about. It’s a marvel that so many people love you and please don’t be offended!!

--

Here are some awesome Alok Nath Memez I found on the net - (Enjoy!!)

 

When Alok Nath was born;

Doctor Said, "Badhai ho, Babuji huay hain"

Alok Nath is so sanskari that he smokes agarbattis

The only two wars Alok Nath has seen in his life.- Haridwar and Pariwar

 

Alok Nath CV Reads as:-

Degree- MBA in Kanyadaan

Skills- Sanskaar

Experience- 10022848 Kanyadaans done

Hobby- Giving Ashirwads!

"In school days, Alok Nath bunked a lecture to attend his daughter's wedding.

Alok Nath has never received salary , he always receives pension.

Alok Nath carried Hanuman Chalisa to school instead of Notebooks

Alok Nath eats Prasad as Starters

Alok Nath believes in 'Aashirwad at First Sight'

Alok Nath reads "All Indians are my brothers and sisters" as "All Indians are my Samdhans and Samdhis". 

Alok Nath went to Vaishno Devi for his Bachelor Party before marriage. With his Family.

Honey Singh: Chhoti Dress me bomb lagdi mainu.

Alok Nath: Chhoti Dress me thand lag jayegi beti.

Alok Nath is someone who is worried about Kanyadaan of d Girl

who is yet to be born...

Alok Nath's WhatsApp shows : "Last seen doing Kanyadaan at"

Alok Nath removes his slippers before playing Temple Run n distributes 'prasad' after crossing each level.

"When you type Alok Nath on Google search, "I'm feeling Lucky" changes to "I'm feeling Sanskari".

Alok Nath was d first person to call Parle as ParleG!!

Alok Nath wants Facebook to add 'Aashirwad' button.

Alok Nath has Zero friends bcoz he always turns 'Dosti into Rishtedaari'

Salman Khan is virgin because He fell in love with Alok Nath's daughter in his first movie as a hero.

AlokNath must be banging his head on a shivling praying ki ab tweets bas karo! kal raat se mujhpar atyachar ho raha hai! 

When Alok Nath is Out Of Reach On His Phone Call It Says " Jis Upbhokta Ko Ap call Karna Chahte Hai Wo Abhi Havan Kar Rahe Ha"

Alok Nath strongly disapproves of Mukesh Ambani. Because his sanskar met with an accident.

Ristein main toh voh tumhare Baap lagte hain naam hain " Babu ji !! "

People should stop asking why #AlokNath's trending. He's #AlokNath goddamnit!

Alok Nath once had a girlfriend. She used to fondly call him Babuji

AlokNath eats Prasad as starters. :P

AlokNath apne kutte ko bhi "ji" laga kar bulaate hain...Tommyji !

On a request from Alok Nath, Mika Singh changed his song from "Gandi Baat" to "Sanskaari Baat". 

 

 

 

 

 

And here are a few that I have tried… hope you like them :P

Alok Nath is so sanskari that he adds Gangajal (instead of soda) to his neat whisky.

Alok Nath is so sanskari that he keeps beer in taambe (brass) ka glass, overnight, before drinking it. It is good for health.

Alok Nath regrets not being born at the time of Ram-Seeta, he missed doing Kanyadaan of Seetaji and her sisters, all on the same day.

Alok Nath strongly disapproves of court marriages. There he can't do the kanyadaan.

Alok Nath even performs chandra-namaskar.

During his school time, Alok Nath would do night outs to go to Jagratas 

Alok Nath was allowed to study in an all-girls school. All other students were his betis.

Alok Nath did the kanyadaan of all his school teachers.

Alok Nath is so sankari that after he buys anything new, he does a grah-pravesh before getting the item inside his house.

Alok Nath is so sanskari that he performs grah-pravesh before entering into someone's house that he has not visited before.

234 WAYS TO ANNOY VOLDEMORT

I am so not believing this.. the muggles are so growing mean... see what I found on the internet..

234 WAYS TO ANNOY VOLDEMORT 

1. Ask him why he 'doesn't have such a cool scar?'
2. Laugh at him.
3. Wake him up by singing Beach Boys songs in his ear. 'Round, round, get around, I get around...'
4. Knit him things. Really hideous things.
5. Give him kangaroo-ears for a month.
6. Smile during Death-Eater meetings and say you taught him everything he knows.
7. Chew bubblegum all the time. Should he address you, your only response will be a series of huge bubbles in quick succession, the last of which will burst everywhere and make a mess.
8. Dance the Funky Chicken.
9. Ask him when was the last time he took a bath.
10. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again.
11. If you ever need to say 'Like taking candy from a baby', be sure to add 'Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others.' Stare pointedly at him.
12. Play 'knock-&-run' at his bedchamber door late at night.
13. Call him 'The-man-who-let-the-boy-live'
14. Ask why the Dark Mark couldn't look like something 'more socially acceptable?'
15. Insist that you have met chunks of cheese with more cunning plans than his.
16. Pinch him. Make sure he squeals.
17. Be cheerful.
18. When he tries to impress you with his powers say 'Awwwww, look it. Voldie's got a twiggle!'
19. Try to teach him to play a mouth organ.
20. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like 'You're the boss, boss' or 'It's your funeral.'
21. Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic 'My sir, you look particularly menacing today.'
22. Taunt him about his middle name. 'Marvolo? What's that, a washing detergent?'
23. Keep a 'good-behavior chart'. Award points and give out gold stars.
24. Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.
25. Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. *poof* there *poof* gone *poof* there....
26. Play cards with him. Tell him he has no poker-face and how does he expect to rule supreme without one?
27. Let off party-poppers in his face whenever the urge strikes you.
28. 'Did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Like, ever?'
29. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry's victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices.
30. Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering first and announcing him grandly.
31. In these announcements, fake a trumpet noise and give him an equally fake drum roll.
32. Exclaim sarcastically 'You're breakin' my little heart here, o dark one' whenever he starts to talk of what has caused to become who he is.
33. Encourage him to 'think happy thoughts!'
34. Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling.
35. Mock his choice of Quirrel as a 'host'.
36. Tell you think a yoga class could 'cure him of his wicked ways'
37. Get the song 'Mr. Tambourine Man' stuck in his head.
38. If he's having evil-plotter's-block in one of his scheming sessions 'Wingardium Leviosa' a light bulb to float above his head. Turn it on. Look offended when he gets angry and say you 'thought you were helping!'
39. Tell him constantly to stop repressing his anger.
40. Buy him a stress ball.
41. Hint that he is only a character in a book and will never triumph.
42. Call him Tommy-boy.
43. If you're feeling gutsy, call him Voldie-poo.
44. Whack him in the arm and say 'mosquito' - every few minutes.
45. Say he 'looked better under the turban'
46. Eat his pet snake. Offer him some.
47. Endeavor to teach him to steeple his fingers, lean back and say 'Eeeexcellent'.
48. Start drawing outlandish parallels between his life story and 'Star Wars'. Talk at great length.
49. Be generally in awe of him and never look away.
50. 'Imperius' his Death Eaters into a rousing chorus of 'All Things Bright And Beautiful'
51. Shower him with confetti and rice, anytime you think he needs to make a 'grand entry'.
52. Paint all the Death-Eater masks with bright colours and glitter.
53. Throw him a 'care-bears' themed birthday party.
54. Tell him what Snape's really up to.
55. Politely exclaim now and again that you 'don't know how he can be so afraid of dear old Dumbles'
56. Sing 'California Dreamin' at the top of your lungs when he's trying to have an 'evil moment'
57. Should you ever be eating with him - drum tunes with your cutlery, play with your food and blow bubbles in your chocolate milk.
58. Ask him to dance a polka with you.
59. Work cutesy phrases like 'pushing-up-daisies' and 'smooth-as-a-baby's-bottom' into conversation as much as possible.
60. Ask him if he's sure 'the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't getting a bit old?'
61. Get him to play 'Twister' with you.
62. Tell him you know this great therapist in London....
63. Throw Tupperware parties. Insist he sit through them.
64. Tell him you've met plenty of people more evil than he.
65. Hide his teddy bear. That ALWAYS makes him cry.
66. Get him a plant. Act mortally offended when he doesn't water it and it dies.
67. Steal, snap and bury his wand.
68. Tell him Lucius did it.
69. Give Rita Skeeter full knowledge of his whereabouts and contact details.
70. Remind him that he isn't even really alive.
71. Write him a theme song. Start singing it whenever he is about to do or say something particularly clever and nasty.
72. Offer to sacrifice Draco Malfoy 'to the cause'
73. Insist on reading him bedtime stories. Include 'The Ugly Duckling'
74. Make vague allusions to Harry Potter being his son.
75. When he's done something particularly nasty - cross your arms, waggle a finger and say 'Now now, do you really think Salazar would have approved of that?'
76. Ask him how he can possibly wish to harm a single hair on the head of 'that sweet, innocent, cute little boy.'
77. Tell him Wormtail has a crush on him.
78. Lecture him at great length on why he shouldn't use the unforgivables.
79. Leave disgusting and rotting dead things near him. Insist that it is 'Aromatherapy'
80. Begin any question you ask him with 'Riddle me this!' Emphasis on Riddle.
81. Do not EVER act in the slightest way intimidated by him. Treat him as you would an eccentric acquaintance.
82. Cuddle him at random moments.
83. Sign him up for Little-League.
84. Ask him why he's afraid of a frail old man with a beard the size of a beehive and can't fight babies.
85. Throw biscuits at him. Constantly.
86. Tell him you think evil master plans of world domination are 'kind of girlie'
87. Quote Argus Filch. Insist HE will one day rule the wizarding world.
88. Wonder aloud whether the name Voldemort commands as much respect as, say, Potter or Dumbledore.
89. Mimic everything he says in a sing-song voice.
90. Mimic everything he does with exaggerated limb-movements.
91. Write sonnets for him.
92. Insist he help you with the newspaper crossword every morning.
93. Offer him ice cream cake.
94. Tell people he's 'really just a big softie'
95. Psychoanalyze him. Conclude that he is 'mildly depressed' and 'a bit of a control-freak'.
96. Mock his baldness.
97. Smile and say loudly 'Who loves you, Volders?' at inopportune moments. (Ie: another of his attempted 'evil moments')
98. Get him drunk.
99. Drag out a banjo at Death Eater revels and start playing 'Kumbayah'
100. Let him catch you trying on Death-Eater robes.
101. Be Harry Potter. Be alive.
102. When he is eating tell him to mind his manners, sit up straight, set the table properly and to keep his elbows off the table.
103. Whenever he is plotting to do something bad, say Voldy, that isn't nice.
104. Remind him it's been over ten years and he still hasn't killed Harry.
105. Sit him down and force him to go through Harry's photo album with all the pictures of Harry alive and happy.
106. Ask him which one of his ancestors married a snake. Act disgusted.
107. Stare around at the other death eaters during meetings. Lean over to him and ask him why he chose them. Ask him why he could not manage to get more volunteers so that he could actually have some good choices.
108. Ask him if it hurt him when Bellatrix left him for Rudolphus.
109. At death eater meetings, get everyone to be quiet. Use the Sonorus spell. Then say..."Did you know that Lord Voldemort's father was actually a muggle named Tom Riddle? Did you know that our Lord who strives for pureblood is actually a half-blood himself."
110. Stand behind him and mock everything that he says.
111. Ask him if he can help you pass your NEWT in Muggle Studies. Then ask him if he got a NEWT in the subject.
112. Ask him if he's met Darth Vader.
113. Try to teach him the dance moves.
114. Put a "Kick Me" sign on the back of his robes with a permanent sticking charm.
115. Give him a Wal-Mart smiley face sticker and say "Enjoy shopping with our Roll-Back prices."
116. Force him into a McDonald's playpen.
117. Whenever he enters the room, sing him his new theme song: "Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort. He who should not be naaaamed. Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort. He's playing a dirty game!"
118. Address him as m'am instead of sir by "accident."
119. Every so often, punch him in the arm and say "muscle spasm!"
120. During meal time, throw stuffed animals at his head.
121. Tell him it is a message from above.
122. Give him a gift certificate to Starbucks on his Birthday.
123. On Father's Day, tell him that he is like a father to you and give him a big hug. And flowers too.
124. Cover the floor of his shower with axle grease.
125. Buy him a pink fur coat.
126. Write "I love you! -From your secret admirer." on his mirror with bright red lipstick.
127. T.P. his room with scented toilet paper.
128. Buy him a little fluffy kitten named Fru-fru.
129. Tell him he would look more manly if he shaved his legs and chest.
130. Put itching powder in his "evil" shoes.
131. Take him on a double date.
132. Make that a blind double date.
133. Tell his date he naturally has green scaly feet.
134. Buy him a subscription of Nick Jr. Magazine.
135. Sign him up for the Care Bear mailing list.
136.Take him to Six Flags and make him ride the Boomerang and buy pictures of him on it.
137. He has to ride the Rainbow ride too.
138. Redecorate his room with Bob the Builder wallpaper and a pink canopy and bed sheets.
139. Block the Evil Channel on his T.V. and tell him that to much evil will give him nightmares.
140. Get his sister to fall in love with you.
141. Marry her so that you can become his half brother.
142. Tie him up and make him watch a 30 hour marathon of Lizzie McGuire.
143. Then make him eat nothing but brain food for 3 months.
145. After the 3 months of torture is over, tell him his complexion has really improved.
146. Make him eat spinach. Tell him it's good for his colon.
147. On his Birthday, make him wear a Burger King crown. And when you have cake, tell him that a candle for every year wouldn't fit on the cake. Remind him that he's 65 years old at every possible moment.
148. When he is sick, feed him chicken soup and read him the parts in the Harry Potter books where Harry defeats him. Tell what he could have done better.
149. Put a sign on his door that says "Enter at your own risk. Evil Warlord inside." Put stickers on it.
150. Buy him the Candyland computer game.
151. Buy him Harry Potter video games and tell him that if he plays it, he will know what Harry will do next.
152. Take away his scissors and make him use plastic ones.
153. Tell him his cat would look more like him if he shaved it.
154.Take him to a party and make him sing "Take Good Care of my Baby on the karaoke.
155. Throw him a birthday party invite all his Death Eaters and show parts of the Harry Potter movies.
156. Send him a large, rotten fruitcake for Christmas. Include a large, hideous pair of knitted socks and a book on "Learning to Not Be Evil".
157. While he is sleeping, take all his robes and die them pretty, bright colors, such as pink and purple.
158. Put some Iron-ons on his robes that say something cute and nice and have things like butterflies on them.
159. Don't let him drink anything but a special fruit energy drink that you made yourself for two weeks (the drink is made out so orange juice, strawberry frozen yogurt, and fish).
160. If you ever take Voldemort to a party, make him sing, "take good care of my baby" on the karaoke.
161. Buy him fuzzy-bunny slippers for his birthday.
162. Tackle him and yell "DOGPILE!"
163. Give him an all expense paid month living with a therapist document for his birthday.
164. Look at him with an all-knowing smirk and when he threatens you just reply in a sweet sing-song voice, "I know something you don't know!"
165. Teach him the electric slide and say he can't leave his room until he can do it perfectly.
166. Frequently ask him the question "guess what?" and when he says "what" say "your dad was a muggle."
167. Point to his robes while asking one of his death eaters if they are missing any rather ugly curtains.
168. On his birthday get him a balloon that says "get well soon."
169. Tell him that you blew your nose on his robes.
170. When he is plotting an evil plan start singing "What if God was one of us?"
171. Take him to a Quidditch match. Point out the best Seeker on the field and tell him that's what Harry Potter could become if he stopped bugging him so much.
172. Throw him a CareBears Birthday Party.
173. "Oh Voldie you're SO SO HOT let me give a big, wet KISS"....
174. "C'mon Voldie, Powerpuff Girls are on TV!"
175. Tell him: "J.K's going to kill you on her last book you know."
176. When he's out make the theme for his room with pink flowers and butterflies.
177. Walk up to him, put your arms around him and start singing, "I know you I've walked with you once upon a dream..."
178. Make him a knitted sweater and stitch on the back "Slap me."
179. Buy him a home waxing kit for his unibrow.
180. Make him ride the play horses that sit infront of grocery stores.
181. When you run out of quarters, force him to stand on the street with you begging for more.
182. When he smiles, ask him if they believe in toothbrushes at wherever he came from
183. Record everything he says and play the recordings back to him in his sleep.
184. Ask him if he likes the Weird Sisters.
185. "Hey,Voldie, come on with that popcorns! Harry Potter and a Goblet of Fire is on TV!"
186. "Hey Voldie.....I found your diary" (Tom Riddle's diary).
187. Ask him if he's ever looked at himself in the mirror.
188. Take him shopping and go straight to the day care station and tell him that you will be back in a couple of minutes.
189. Get him one of the Harry Potter action figure for his birthday.
190. Get him to watch Lilo and Stitch the movie with the Death Eaters so that they will know how to be good like Stitch.
191. Stick some Harry Potter posters in his room while he's out.
192. Sing him a lullaby every time he sleeps.
193. Tell him that he must be a good boy so that Santa Claus will give him a pair of underwear with Harry on it.
194. Get him one of Mozart's baby CD and play it while he sleeps.
195. Mock one of Harry Potter's lines in the book that involves his greatness.
196. Change his reading glasses to a glasses exactly like Harry's.
197. Ask him if he wears color contact lenses.
198. Ask him if when he was rearranging the letters in his name why he couldn't have come up with something more threatening than Voldemort? "I mean Voldemort what kind of name is that? ooh I'm scared now! Voldemort ahhh!
199. Submit him for The Bachelor.
200. Use spray paint to write on his walls and write 'Snape was here'.
201. Make up "yo mama" jokes to everything he says.
202. Stick his hand in a glass of warm water while he's sleeping.
203. Get him a Harry Potter computer game and tell him that only in the game he can kill Harry.
204. Get some friends together, sneak into a Death Eaters' meeting, and bring lots of confetti and pink streamers.
205. Tell him that he must be crazy to think that his death eaters will listen to his orders when he is almost dead.
206. Tell him that he's too short and that he needs platform shoes.
207. Buy him pink robes and explain that pink is the new black.
208. When he's sleeping, draw a scar on his forehead.
209. Secretly design his room with Harry Potter posters and with black marker write 'Don't You LOVE him?'
210. Remind him how good looking he used to be.
211. Laugh when he's trying to say something serious.
212. Pat his head.
213. Buy him a wig that looks like Harry Potter's hair for Christmas.
214. Call him 'Hottie' or 'Sugar'.
215. Insist on calling him Moldy Voldy
216. Say, "Well! Somebody needs a little sunshine up his jumper today, would you say?" when he threatens you with any one or more of the unforgivables.
217. Write theme music for him and start playing it every time he enters the room.
218. Offer to give him his first kiss in front of at least five Death Eaters.
219. Offer to get him into Hogwarts by dressing him up as a first year girl.
220. Get him an apron that says "kiss the evil cook."
221. Ask him what happened to give him that high pitched voice. Giggle as though you have an idea what happened.
222. Ask about the one-eyed snake. Insist you were talking about his pet.
223. Give him lace panties for his birthday.
224. Sing the infamous "darth vader" theme when he enters a room.
225. Force him to go to muggle garage sales with you EVERY weekend.
226. Ask him to watch an episode of 'Care Bears' with you, and insist he watch it fully, even the credits. Then after, ask him which bear he thinks you are, then tell him which you think he is.
227. Insist that he goes to the Yule Ball with you, then make him slow dance in the middle of the crowd with you. Don't forget, everyone wants that special kiss on their special evening, and so does Voldemort!
228. Buy him Good Charlotte CDs for his birthday.
229. Tell his Death Eaters it was his orders that they all wear pink tutus.
230. Offer to let him borrow your strawberry lip gloss.
231. Do some y-ya-him-a-shelabba magic on him beleive me that wil trick him!!
232. Call him "Moldy shorts" and when he gets mad, tell him that he should wash them at least once in awhile!
233. Bring a whole bunch of muggles and let them play around with them and a bunch of them will sing!
234. Cook him 'evil' chicken soup when he gets a cold and mother him half to death. 

** But yes, "You maynt like it minister.. but you cant deny... THESE ARE HILARIOUS!!!" <3

65 ways to annoy Voldemort :P

1. Ask him why he doesn't have such a cool scar.

2. Call him The-Guy-Who-Let-The-Boy-Live.

3. Smile during Death Eater meetings and say you taught him everything he knows.

4. Remind him that he isn't even really alive.

5. Ask him when he last took a bath.

6. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again

7. Play "knock and run" at his bedchamber door late at night.

8. Ask him why the Dark Mark couldn't look like something more "sociably acceptable".

9. If you ever need to say "Like taking candy from a baby", be sure to add: '"Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others." Stare pointedly at him.

10. When he tries to impress you with his immense powers, say "Awwwww, lookit, Voldie's got a twiggle!"

11. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like "You're the boss, boss" or "It's your funeral."

12. Buy him eye drops for "that dreadful redness".

13. Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic "My sir, you look particularly menacing today."

14. Taunt him about his middle name. "Marvolo? What's that, a washing detergent?"

15. Keep a "good-behavior chart". Award points and give out gold stars.

16. Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.

17. Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. *poof* there *poof* gone *poof* there...

18. Tell people "he's really just a big softie".

19. Follow a few paces behind him, spraying everything he touches with a can of disinfectant.

20. Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering first and announcing him grandly.

21. In these announcements, fake a trumpet noise and give him an equally fake drumroll.

22. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry's victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices.

23. "Did you ever even HAVE a girlfriend? Like, ever?"

24. Encourage him to "think happy thoughts"!

25. Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling.

26. Sign him up for yoga class. Insist it is to "cleanse his soul".

27. Buy him a stress ball.

28. Hide his wand. Make him play the "hot and cold" game in order to get it back.

29. Quote Argus Filch. Insist HE will one day rule the wizarding world.

30. Call him "Tommy-boy".

31. If you're feeling gutsy, call him "Voldie-poo".

32. Be generally in awe of him and never look away.

33. Whack him in the arm and say "mosquito" - every few minutes.

34. If he asks you about his choice of robes, say he looked better under the turban.

35. Begin any question you ask him with "Riddle me this!" Emphasize on Riddle.

36. Imperio his Death Eaters into a rousing chorus of "All Things Bright And Beautiful".

37. Paint all the Death Eater masks with bright colors and glitter.

38. Throw him a Carebears-themed birthday party. Bake him a scar-shaped cake.

39. Tell him what Snape's really up to.

40. Politely exclaim now and again that you don't know how he can be so afraid of dear old Dumbles.

41. Tell him his plastic surgeon did a terrible job with the "red-eyed snake look," and that he should've had the self confidence to age gracefully.

42. Tell him you know this great therapist in London....

43. Ask him if he's sure the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't getting a bit old?

44. Tell him Lucius did it.

45. Write him a theme song. Start singing it whenever he is about to do or say something particularly clever and nasty.

46. When he's done something particularly nasty - cross your arms, waggle a finger and say "Now now, do you really think Salazar would have approved of that?"

47. Make vague allusions to Harry Potter being his son.

48. Ask him how he can possibly wish to harm a single hair on the head of "that sweet, innocent, cute little boy".

49. Ask him why he's afraid of an old man who looks like Santa Claus and why he can't fight babies.

50. Sign him up for Little League.

51. Cuddle him at random moments.

52. Tell him that noses are back in style.

53. Be Harry Potter. Be Alive.

54. Call him "Champ" or "Tiger", refer to yourself as "Coach".

55. Ask him where he gets his garlic scented soap.

56. Ask him to dye Easter eggs with you

57. ...at Christmas.

58. "Accidentally" schedule him a haircut

59. ...even though he's bald.

60. When he gives you an order, stare blankly at him and drool.

61. On the next Valentine's Day, decorate his lair

62. ...make sure the decorations are pink and frilly.

63. Be offended by everthing he says.

64. Trade in his black robes for bunny feet pajamas.

65. Three words: Potter Puppet Pals.

P.S. Make sure to print this list on Harry Potter Stationary, get it laminated, and give it to him.

Female Ruless..

1. The female always makes the rules.

2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No male can possibly know all the rules.

4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must
immediately change some or all of the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding
which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

7. When rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing
the misunderstanding.

8. The female can change her mind at any time.

9. The male must never change his mind without written consent
from the female.

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female
wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know
whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. If the female has PMS, all rules are null and void.

14. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm
to the male.

Forgiving lady

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Neely, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"



"Ninety-eight," she replied.

The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."

Naughty Rhymes

The grade 5 teacher one day asked the children in her class to make rhymes with their names.

First up was Dan. A very adventurous child.

My name is Dan,
When I grow up to be a man,
I want to go to India and Japan,
If I can, If I can, If I can.

Very good she said to Dan. She then told Sally that it now was her turn.

My name is Sally,
When I grow up to be a lady,
I want to have a baby,
If I can, if I can, if I can.

That is good Sally, she said. But maybe one day you will change your mind. Next up was Sam he was the naughty one in the class.

My name is Sam,
When I grow up to be a man,
Never mind India and Japan,
I gonna help Sally with her plan,
I know I can, I can, I can.

Leave Application!

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'


I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'


(You're going to love this....)






She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.'

Logiczz

Whenever you find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
_____

To Err is human, but to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
_____

The road to success??.. Is always under construction.
_____

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
_____

In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you have ability to repay back.
_____

All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.
_____

Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
_____

Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.
_____

If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
_____

You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.
_____

Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
_____

42.7% of all statistics is made on the spot.
_____

As soon as you mention something?? if it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.
_____

He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.
_____

If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? the bus is still late.
_____

Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.
_____

When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.
_____

If you have paper, you don't have a pen. If you have a pen, you don't have paper. If you have both, no one calls.
_____

Especially for engg. Students : If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.
_____

You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.
_____

The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
_____

After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.
_____

If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.
_____

Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker
_____

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide whether you need more.
_____

There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.
_____

An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
_____

Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
_____

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
_____

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
_____

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
_____

Well done is better than well said .
_____

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.
_____

Where there is a WILL, there is a WAY, Where there is MONEY, there are many WAYS.
_____

Where there is MONEY, there are many FRIENDS and RELATIVES.
_____

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Cool Insults for immidiate use

1. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
2. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
4. I d like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your
looks?
5. At least there's one thing good about your body.It isn't as ugly as
your face!
6. Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing.
7. Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!
8. I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.
9. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
10. If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!
11. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
12. Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?
13. Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!
14. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
15. Don't think, it may sprain your brain!
16. Fellows like you don't grow from trees; they swing from them.
17. He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this
morning.
18. He has a mind like a steel trap-always closed!
19. You are a man of the world-and you know what sad shape the world is
in.
20. He is always lost in thought-it's unfamiliar territory.
21. He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.
22. He is known as a miracle comic. if he's funny, it's a miracle!
23. He is listed in Who's Who as What's That?
24. He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
25. He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.
26. He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build
an idiot.
27. How come you're here? I thought the zoo is closed at night!
28. How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
29. How much refund do you expect on your head now that it's empty.
30. How would you like to feel the way you look?
31. Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
32. I can't talk to you right now; tell me,where will you be in the
next 10 years?
33. I don't want you to turn the other cheek; it's just as ugly.
34. I don't know who you are, but whatever you are, I'm sure everyone
will agree with me.
35. I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
36. I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the
credit?
37. I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me!
38. I don't even like the people you're trying to imitate, if you are
at all.
39. I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse?
40. I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!
41. I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!
42. I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!
43. Why are you so stupid today? Anyway, I think that's very typical of
you.