:: Our Story ::

I really dont know if its been 10 years or 12 ... I just know that since I have known myself... I have known you! I have known myself by knowing you! You bring out the best in me and give me courage to do still better...

Now that I stand here.. all alone.. waiting for one glance.. all those moments pass my eyes... all those feelings give my heart a beat but I know my brain wont ever agree and today, I am not that girl who would listen to the heart... today my brain isnot my weakness or my excess rationalism... my brain is my need because my heart doesnt know how to survive without you....................................

A five year old girl... stares at the television.. the cable isnot new to her but the shows are... new shows... the cable had just then been started and some of the very first shows of Indian Television were on air... With her mother, a five year old girl sits before that 'idiot box' watching the serials she didnt understand but still Nursery class doesnt provide enough work to do for the whole day nor does the computer provide sufficient games. And ofcourse the internet wasnt something so popular then.
I remember, the girl sees a man of around 23 - 25 who played a role of a mentally retarded person... a person who is physically 23 - 25 but mentally the age of 8... (the boy ISNOT Hrithik Roshan and I am NOT talking of Koi Mil Gaya or Krissh for that matter)... the show was about the boy's family gets him a bride. The bride is unaware of the boy's condition... the story was about the bride's struggle into the family... with what her life gave her and her revealing all the secrets behind the boy's such condition...
I really dont remember the show but what I remember is that whenever the boy used to cry... the five year old girl shed tears along.. she couldnt bear him to be hurt...

At the age when probably the girl didnt even know how to write the word 'connection' , she had mysteriously developed a connection with someone... connection far stronger than between a hero and a fan...

The girl left India and went out with her parents... for the next three and a half years, the girl didnt see the actor, no news of him... the girl probably didnt even know the name of the actor... but he was with her.. within her.. always!

The decade had changed when the girl returned... she had started to have her ideas... she had started thinking... reasoning... debating... once again the television did a revolution to her life.. the girl saw that very guy in another serial... he had grown old... he looked no longer innocent like he did... he did look handsome and gave her the 'excitement' goosebumps, but he no longer gave the cute look... the very first site of him and the girl exclaimed 'Thats him' ... The girl's mother verified that this is the very person...
India had completely changed in the three and a half year... there was internet, books, magazines and alot of television and radio.. the girl hunted widely... everywhere.. not a single corner was spared... the girl found his name.. but well that was just the beginning.. it was followed by numerous photos and what not.. every small bit of information that was available about the person on the net was with the girl...

And the girl never realised but she started liking the person and she called it 'love' ... She said she is destined with that guy... and her relation with that guy isnot what we might see in a regular 'Emraan Hashmi movie' but something alot more sacred... the love was passionate enough to keep burning for long years... passionate to keep the girl warm and in its wrap always... passionate enough to decide the way of thousands of kilometers ... across states... across age difference to that boy's heart... but probably not passionate enough to let him feel it too...

Anyways, the girl grew fonder and fonder of that guy... she found him her good luck charm... all she needed to do was - call that boy's name and ask for what she wanted and she would get this... 'Jaan I need to watch that movie' and the movie would come on television with a day or two... 'Jaan I need that dress...' and her dad would agree to buy her that dress... 'Jaan I need you to be with me' and its been the moment of this wish to till date, the girl has never felt lone.. never felt endangered... never felt left out... all she was loved...

(Ps : the guy's name wasnt Jaan.. that was kind of nickname if you would call it that)

However... as I said.. the girl was growing.. she had started reasoning... one day she labelled all her fondness as 'mere attraction' ... she said that love was more 'like a chewing gum... you find it soft and tasty initially... it grows tasteless after a while.. but on holding onto it for longer... it turns to bad taste and harder with each bite'
Probably she was right then... but her heart outlawed her logic... the heart did beat for that one.. the heart did beat to that one...

The girl left no stone unturned.. the love had now left passion behind.. it was madness... the girl needed to let the boy know... the girl knew that it didnt matter and it never will but it mattered to her... she lived for the day when she would let the boy know...
and one day she struck GOLD... google... 'the - ultimate - survival - for - internet - users' ... honestly we are all so used to google.. that now the word 'search' can be conveniently replaced by 'google' even in the English Dictionary.. Search it.. nah ... just Google it!

Well Google came as her helper too... it provided the girl with the guy's address and telephone number... ofcourse there were infinite pages to search and surely just googling the name didnot help... the girl was witty in that way and knew to work her way out and she did... but she never dared to call or even write a letter...

Then one day ... the heavens rained... It was in late May that the girl read an article on the net that the guy got engaged and would get married later that year in November... I always thought seeing movies that if something bad happens.. there should be some kind of sad music.. so did the girl... because she was so mad in love.. she could hear violins with her smiles but this news didnt fall upon her as though lightening would from heavens... it did hurt her.. there were days of tears... pillows wet with memories... pages and pen not in contact for there wasnt anything left for her to write... she thought to rationalize her thoughts.. her mind started to grow stronger against her hurt heart... but just before the day of the wedding... the girl's heart roared with love again...

the heart said that if I loved someone, doesnt mean he will love me too... and being in love was the best thing that happened.. so these tears are meaningless.. the love never demanded the guy's physical presence... the connection between souls will always be there... growing stronger every moment... and if he is happy then the heart needs to be happy!

The guy was good.. he was almost angel - like.. the girl had no proof to this.. she just kept saying this.. to herself.. to her friends.. to everyone who asked her how can you love someone whom you havent met? ... I know him.. the girl would end saying...

On his wedding day, the girl asked her sister to call the guy... the sister tried... sister too was her age and had some limitations.. she dialled but the guy was getting dressed.. however the very news that the number was correct filled the girl with joy... the girl danced the whole night... she was probably even happier than the guy or his real life bride...

An year later, the television was hit with 'reality - show' wave... all channels launched various reality shows.. the guy was doing 2 daily soaps and then he and his wife jumped in for a dance competetion too... after almost an year of the wedding... the girl had her answer.. she had a proof that the guy is good... he decided to walk out of the show just to play fair with the other participants.. he was definitely in for the finals if he had just played along.. the judges gave him the chance but he refused...

It was 8th December when the episode was telecast... the girl cried the whole night.. in the morning, her mood was aweful.. her friends would come and pay sympathy... 'what the hell' the girl would think.. and when she had had enough.. she said - he is the real winner... she never realised saying it... but she did and she then realised its true...

Alot happened after that... the guy turned to a singer.. a dancer.. some poor attempt at comedy too.. he did movies.. all in all.. he was doing great...
at the same time.. the girl had been flying in success too... she had gotten all she would desire for and without her knowing, someone was changing her... changing her and making her a finer person.. He was her miracle... someone who came to her like an angel... - her angel...

He had indeed been the best person she had ever known.. and if she was any good... it was because of him.. everytime the girl did something good.. she looked upto the guy and she felt no - he is still better and the girl would work still harder...

This girl is me.. and the guy.. wont mention his name.. I called him quite a few times and chatted to him twice... but what I get to know is that he doesnt like fans too much into his life... I had known this... but some how I considered myslelf out of that category...

you know one thing weird about the heart? The more it gets.. the more it wants... I was very happy the day I told him I am there.. ofcourse it all didnt matter to him.. but he does remember those words... I found him on a social networking site and added him... but he deletes me every few months and I add him again... lately what I have realised is that he wants me to stop loving him... no its not my decision and I just give it his name to find a cover... I mean it.. I have loved that person for all the life I have had...
did what he liked.. the way he liked... I know so much about him that I never had the time to know my own self...

'DUDE... hello!! I know each and every heart beat of yours... just sometimes I dont want to listen to it..'

All these years... I know what's your favourite dish (atleast what you said)... I know how you like to eat Dal, I know your favourite song, your holiday destination, your small habits... and guess what... I have them all (the ones I know)!

.. we both need a watch no matter we carry a cell or not.., cells? hello We just need them to make calls... not dependent on them.., we love to write..., we love to goof up with friends and family... , we are movieholics, musicholics, we like long vacations... , we love dance, we have our own favourite shirts and believe they go wherever you want to wear them!! , it maynot be a label... it is definitely stylish... , ...

and the list is endless..

I dont know if I sound too stubborn or over - confindent or the sort... but its just I do know you!!

I remember calling your name when I was scared... I remember wishing you on your birthday... I remember seeing your face when I am in trouble... I see your smile when I am upset!! You make my life just so perfect!! Your presence makes my morning alot more fresher and my nights sweeter!

But the bitter day did come.. it always does.. to everyone.. I had to make a choice..

It took me years to grow from a five year old girl and reach to the person whom I loved all my life.. to let him know that somewhere in this world there is a girl who is praying for him.. who is always ready for anything just for his one smile...
A big journey to kilometers apart.. especially the distance of 18 years, 9 months and 2 days had been most difficult to decide... but I did it.. and the decision to take was that I need to be glad with fulfilling my aim of letting him know..

My heart is still trying to come out and cry for you... it needs to learn to be content... but one thing that my heart knows is that somewhere you know me and that's enough for one lifetime.. a connection that the five year old girl made was strong enough to reach to you without even meeting you ever and letting you know the height of maddness in the love.. and I know this connection is strong enough to keep holding me and you together for births.. so no regrets over years!!

Today when I see you happy.. a tear falls from my eye to say I want to be there.. but my lips smile because I can carry your smile in my heart!!

Love is in giving.. to see you happy and this is also taught to me by you... I like to see your smile and you can call this my love... when I really think I need you... its just a matter of seconds and I find you all around me.. your warmth never leaves me cold... and when I close my eyes... the smile comes.. to make me smile.. And I pray that the smile stays...

'You know Shona..
All these years... you have been my strength.. the reason of me going on.. you make me what I am!

I may be happy without you... I may be enjoying... I maybe laughing.. but I am INCOMPLETE without you...

but I dont want to see any misery near you... even if that means I should disappear from your world...
Today... I stand here.. I have separated your world from mine with a thin glass... I can see you.. smile for you and just say 'Jaan I want you to be happy'... '

Amen!


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